It's that time again.
You all know it.
The time when the bar is raised. You know what you have to do. Sometimes you are so lucky as to have several sins brought to light all at once. I am in this situation. I cried last night because I was a bit overwhelmed by how wretched I am. I speak of grace and mercy. I believe. I do not deserve. I feel condemnation. I remind myself I'm being prideful that I am surprised. I remind myself that I could never meet the expectations. I feel grace again. Yet, there is still change that must be made. No excuses, I must repent.
Some issues to share.
I'm a negative person. David said it to me the other day. "You're so negative." I ask a friend, she agrees. OOOooOOOoh, OK! How could I have not seen it? I complain. I am negative. I cried to David last night, "I don't know how to be positive when it seems that things are wrong!". He helped me a lot. He is my opposite, always complimenting me. He is strong where I am weak and reverse.
I am selfish. OH, why does it always come back to this? Everytime I think I'm some kindof great servant, I am reminding of the cross. Oh my, have I got a loooong way to go. I'm lazy. I'm all about MY COMFORT. I don't want to change, because I'm comfortable. The other day I actually did not want to repent. I was crying so hard to David because I just couldn't believe that I didn't want to change. I wanted to keep sinning. I said, "I don't WANT to die to myself anymore! What IS WRONG with me!?" What I meant was, "Why don't I want to change, what happened to my love for Christ and righteousness?" Needless to say I'm better now. I prayed about that specific sentence again and again. David prayed for me, and I feel renewed. I still have more comfort issues: I don't want to get up off the couch, because I'm comfortable. I don't want to give more money to others because I don't want to make my budget ANY tighter than it already is. I want to be comfortable. I've been thinking about missionaries lately. How they truly sell it all to give to the poor. How they give their comfort away for the sake of the gospel. What do I do that is so sacrificial? What do I do for the Lord? How can I grow in this area?
I do not love my neighbor. What I mean is, I do not have a burden to share the gospel. Why not? Why am I content to let them burn? If God is love, and I love because I was first loved, why do I not love like Christ? This has been an ongoing issue for me. My lack of love for the lost. I want passion, fire. Again, I'm just too comfortable. I signed up for an evangelism group at church, but honestly, I don't want to do it. I'm hoping right actions will cause right feelings.
Poor David. Keep him in your prayers. His bar has been raised. I'm normally the strong one, the knowledgeable one, but lately he has had to deal with my questions, concerns and prayer requests. This is his God given job, but one that he is not used to doing quite so often. I'm also very emotional. I'm actually crying as I write this. I rest my case.
A good friend once said that David would be given a new cloak to wear. I believe that it is happening, if not already.
I think that the theme of this post is Broken down palace. Complete with tears. I tear up a lot. I know it's common, but just as annoying.
Off topic: I hope to post a pic of my belly soon. I look a littly scary. I'm 9 wks. preggo and I look about 4-5 months no joke! My dr. appt is Wed.
4 comments:
Hang in there gal. Sounds like the Holy Spirit is working in your life, otherwise you wouldn't be posting this. We all have stuggles and sins that can be daily temptations. Some might be more outward and visible some hidden. But we all have them and sometimes it seems like we take two steps forward and one step back. So you might be on that backward step but you are still farther than you would have been a year ago. And you realize what is going on that is probably that first step forward and the next step is action. You are doing the right thing. Telling your husband and your friends which opens up accountability. Praying...God hears your prayers!! We cannot be perfect all the time. That is why Jesus died for out sins. Thank goodness.
I know that I stuggle with Fear so much always have. It takes different forms but it has always been my Major stuggle. Am I walking perfect in this area and never messing up. NO! But when I look back on my life I see growth even in the midst of my failures. I see God working in my life and through my fears. I doubt I will ever overcome this here on earth. I will keep praying and keep trying but know that God's grace covers all over my faults That doesn't excuse them but every morning I wake up with a clean slate and get to try again.
And boy am I selfish and I am terrible at evangelism too. So gal I need to grow with you on that area!
Warning. I have noticed whenever I pray that God will help me to grow in a certain area He doesn't seem to waste His time and I get slammed right away with situations that put it right in my face. HEE HEE.
Big Hugs. Moving is great in so many ways isn't it. God moves us physically and that seems to stir so many things in our emotions and spirts that needed a little kick. These are lyrics to a song I love. Pierce Pettis wrote it but Susan Ashton sings in on one of her albums.
YOU MOVE ME
This is how it seems to me
Life is only therapy
Real expensive
And no guarantee
So I lie here on the couch
With my heart hanging out
Frozen solid with fear
Like a rock in the ground
Oh but you move me
You give me courage I didn't
Know I had
You move me on
I can't go with you
And stay where I am
So you move me on
Here is how love was to me
I could look and not see
Going through the emotions
Not knowin' what they mean
And it scared me so much
That I just wouldn't budge
I might have stayed there forever
If not for your touch
Oh but you move me
Out of myself and into the fire
You move me
Now I'm burning with love
And with hope and desire
How you move me
You go whistling in the dark
Making light of it
Making light of it
And I follow with my heart
Laughing all the way
Oh 'cause you move me
You get me dancing and you
make me sing
You move me
Now I'm taking delight
In every little thing
How you move me
BIG HUGS
Wow, Maegan. I have no magic words of wisdom for you. I can only tell you that what you are experiencing even the most holiest of people goes thru. It's how we come out on the other side of this that matters.
I don't know if you remember but awhile back I struggled with the way I handled certain things in my life. You even noticed something was wrong.
Well, I removed myself from the situtaion, prayed, and read some inspirational books. I believe that I am now a better person.
I fall off the wagon every now and then but don't we all. We just have to pick ourselves up and do better next time.
Let David help you. That's what a life partner is there for. :)
Prayers to you! Mo
Ummmm, I just wanted to tell you that I'll be dropping by to see you on Sunday. No joke!!! :) I can't wait!!
How kind of the Lord to reveal those things to you. God is so good!
BTW - maybe it is twins. ;-)
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